Right for me, right now

I tend to start every blog with an apology. Usually that I haven’t written in a while. So here it is. 

Since we last spoke, proud to say I am now the happy owner of a bubbly baby girl.  She is a dream and the complete opposite (but at the same time remarkably similar) to her brother. As I write, she is 1 day off being 10 weeks old. 

I’ll perhaps write another time about her entry into this world; but now I have two kiddos, I find myself becoming even more all consumed with their wellbeing. So much so that something major has happened from the first time around - rather than being 100% breastfed, I have taken the decision to combihnation feed M (her identity on this blog). 

Why? Because this time around I am faced with a different pressure. Not that formula is wrong and breastfed babies are essentially the Kobe cows of the world, but more that I am finding that I am losing myself and I need for that not to happen. Fed is 100% best here. 

So again, why am I telling you this? We are in a completely different world since I last breastfed. Post Brexit referendum. Post Trump becoming president. Post me discovering Cambozola cheese. But not just that. As I have come into motherhood for the second time, I am in a completely different headspace. Far more self assured in how I parent, yes more confident but with even less time for me (to the point I am sinking under all thi pressure). And its that last point that is vital for me here. I have less time for me. 

As I am now on maternity leave, my job is in the home. Yes, my life is back in the 50’s where my role Is to ‘Rear and raise’ the children as I balance making dinners whilst having a boob out feeding M at the same time. Making sure the house is clean enough so that when the time health visitor comes around she doesn’t think I live in a sty as well as justify to the husband who works all week that I can “manage”. My job is looking after other people and things. 

But if you also know me, you’ll be fully aware that I am an independent, tenacious (learnt that word from a 5th year school report) and strong willed mother fucker who does not want to fail. There is no room for failure. And a lot of the above expectations are built by myself and not anyone else. However, despite this - there is no room for failure (did I say that?).

This week, we were faced with a poorly N which resulted in him being off nursery for 3 days. 3 of my precious 4 I pay for for him to be fed and entertained for 10 hours a day. This threw me into a tailspin of losing even more me time to juggle two kids - one with a leaking perforated ear drum and one who can’t hold her head up. Long story short; it was the fastest long week of my life. I was exhausted. With the husband set to work Saturday too, I knew something had to give and that was what made it almost easy and guilt free to say that I needed help. This help would come in the form of Aptamil. One less pressure for me not to have to be around 24/7. One less feed to have to remember every 3 hrs and a little light at the tunnel that I will eventually get that me time (which could potentially fall during the day - shock horror). 

While I’m not willing to close the boob store, it might work part time. As I write this, I am also vaguely aware that I may completely change my mind and the guilt I fed with N might just return. But that’s just how motherhood goes I guess - nothing I do will ever always be the right thing to do. In the meantime however, I need to do the right thing for me right now. 

The countdown is over

So here we are. 39 weeks and approx 7 hours until I am due at the hospital for my elective c-section.

Far from being the relaxing night I had planned by going out for dinner (last in a while), I have spent the last 12 hours being unwell with significant signs of early labour. Even though I didn’t write a birth plan this time around, this was certainly NOT part of the plan.

Given that we opted for an elective, while there was always a chance that things could get started naturally, I didn’t actually believe it. So after having awful cramps and braxton hicks for the last 12 hours, I have never been more ready to get this baby out!!

Surprisingly, I’m not at all phased by the thought of going through major surgery today....I mean it can’t be as bad as having to get shuffled through an emergency section, right? I know what to expect, have got the t-shirt and an ready to go! I should hopefully have more control and know what I’m literally walking into - both from a surgery perspective but also recovery.

Let’s just hope we get to that point.

Until then I have to start fasting in 30 mins and urgently need a bath to ease the agony of my abdomin.

See you on the other side!

Boxset Conundrum

So here we are. 37 weeks pregnant and onto day five of mat leave. Its been pretty uneventful so far but as N is in nursery still for four days a week; today is where it all goes down. Yes, its boxset day! 

But what to watch? I need something to tide me over until the new series of The Crown starts. I need suggestions. Fire them over!! 

Paul or Paula? Help needed

As the weeks countdown, the hubby and I are in a bit of a predicament. You see, as with N, we don’t know the sex of number two. This (along with a number of other factors such as hubby being a teacher and knowing all the “good” and “naughty” children’s names) makes for our decision making skills to get a bit fuzzy.

So, I am calling on all you lovely lot to help. Give us your suggestions. We *think* we have a girls name but boys name is totally up for grabs.

A few criteria however to consider:
1) we need a name that can be shortened to another sensible name like Sebastain/Seb
2) we don’t want out kid to be one of the other four Alfie’s in their class (sorry parents with an Alfie
3) nothing too bananas like Moon or Sunrise
4) can’t be anyone that has pissed me off in recent history

Sound simple? Yeah right!

Over to you....you have about 5 weeks to put names on a postcard.

Here we go again....

So, its just just over a year since my last blog - sorry about that. But in my defence, I have been a little busy.

Not only have I gone back to work, seen N thrive in nursery, but also....WE'RE PREGNANT AGAIN!

Yep. I know that means that the blog name will need to change (we'll figure that out in due course), but it also means that in about 6 weeks time we will have a new kiddo joining the fold.

In all honesty, this has been the longest pregnancy ever as we found out pretty early so I will be pleased to have the kid out in the world and enjoy the good things in life again....brie, pate, a little more wine... you know, the things that make parents function in life.

More to likely come once I am on mat leave (14 working days to go!), but here we are, on the blogging journey again.

Let's do this!

#mummyguilt

I've not written a blog for sometime. Between organising and having N's birthday along with returning to work two days ago there has been one or two things going on. 

This blog is being written at its rawest state. It's 6.54am and I am standing on a drizzly platform with only street lights illuminating the sky and I have just left my son in tears as I said goodbye in the car. He has had this frame of mind since bathtime last night and I feel absolutely shit. 

Shit that i have had to go back to work and be in so early that the family needs to be up at 5.40am four days a week. Shit that we need the money of me going in four days a week so N needs to be in nursery.  Shit that its happens not because any of us were ready, but rather that we had to. 

As a result of all this shit-ness, N has suddenly decided that he is on a boob strike. Or is it that he decided its not his thing anymore? Or could it be cause the sky was grey last night? Or it could be his teeth? Either way, this has resulted in lots of crying (him and me). 

I have been thinking about the boob feeds for a while. I read a blog the other week about a mum who wasn't ready to stop feeding her daughter and I think thats how I feel with N. If we stop now, then everything else has to go back to the normality of before there was a baby. Commute, work, commute, heat tea in the microwave, Eastenders, then bed. 

I knew this was going to be hard - its what all other mums say. But I was organised. I had the lunches made, the bags packed and a wash on before I went to bed. But they didn't tell me how I could emotionally prepare. Can anyone? 

Yes, I know it will get easier. Yes, I know it wil become the new norm for N. But - do I actually want this? Ithink that might be a post for another day. 

Until then, I have managed to get a seat on the 6.57am train and at least its dry in here.... 

Sent from my iPhone

Buh-bye boob

My baby is one next week. One!! How did that happen??

Anyway, with his first birthday comes the time when I must return to work and as such put N into nursery for four days a week. No more sleeping when the baby sleeps, having a tidy house and being able to wear joggers all day.

However, this week we have faced a bit of a fork in the feeding road.

You see, N has had an upset tum and bad bum generally. "It's his teeth!", I hear you cry. Well, yes, it might be. Or it could (as many of you will know with kids) be any other number of things such as the moon not being in Taurus.

Because of this, we cut out the whole milk from his diet I had been using to try to wean him off the boob (or at least day time feeds). But has it made an impact in the last three days? Has it hell.

The helpful health visitors *note sarcasm* have read their baby books aloud to me and advised that N shouldn't be on whole milk before 12 months (yeah, coz a couple of weeks will make a huge difference in his life) *note more sarcasm*. Instead he should be on the great and good formula. But my quandary is - does he really need to be?

Yes, he needs to be on something NOT breast milk by he time I am back at work in x amount of sleeps (this is one countdown I refuse to count), but does it need to be formula?

Apart from being sicky with the whole milk before (when he was up to two feeds a day on it and given he has always been a little pukey) it didn't really bother him. So do I carry on as normal or do I take a chance on something completely new and spend the next two weeks getting him weaned onto that?

I honestly do not have the answer here. My gut is confused for the first time in a year. Google has also proved pretty useless as I already know N can drink from a bottle and I can't find any threads of mums who have breasted for a year and then are returning to work so the kid needs to drink something else.

Before this whole conundrum began I had been planning a blog about how sad I was to be stopping breast feeding, and in many ways I still am. But this has put somewhat of a cloud over the journey coming to a slow halt.

All through the past year, my Taurean stubbornness has made me believe that formula was a failure (which it completely is not - I know this deep down); but even now I feel a hypocrite to bite the bullet and put N onto formula.

What did you lovely lot do?

Whatever I choose (and by I it means my hubby too), the decision needs to be made quickly as it's so important for me that N has time to be weaned properly and not just overnight. Help!

Looking back

Facebook kindly reminded me this morning that it has been exactly a year since I began the wonderful world of maternity leave. 

Apart from having the kid, it has put me in somewhat of a reflective mood. So, what have I actually achieved with 353 days off (its a leap year remember)?

-have eaten cake on 351 out of the 353 days I have been off

-managed to go 10 months without a full nights sleep

-achieved a 97% attendance record at Rhyme Time

-spent only 75% of my life in pj's or joggers

-nailed the disapproving mum look to all workies and tw^ts who decide to park over the entire pavement making any movement around it nigh on impossible

-watched every single episode of homes under the hammer at least once (and teletubbies for that matter)

-discovered that B&M sell cheap wine (you're welcome) 

-had my card declined buying said cheap wine in B&M 

-appeared to hold it together in public but secretly lose my shit when the kid finds discipline hilarious

-spent my entire mat pay on nappies and starbucks

-taken an overtired child on a flight on my own

-reached level 172 of candy crush

But obviously, I am not perfect and there are some things I haven't done

-learnt fluent italian

-killed or maimed the child

-been able to walk past the doughnut counter in sainsburys without picking up at least two packet of what is essentially mat leave crack

-missed work #sorrynotsorry

-put up the blackout blind in the child's room (11 months later...)

-achieved rock hard abs by following the breastfeeding diet (see cake eating achievement) 

However, I still have a few weeks to achieve all this and more....or there is always next time around (!).

Sent from my iPhone

"Advice"

This will not the first and certainly not the last blog post about the unsolicited advice which I seem to be getting. Mostly it is all about N's sleep and it seems to be coming from those of let's say, an older generation.

N has not been sleeping all that well since we took a trip to Edinburgh. Between a change to his routine and a mix of separation anxiety, it has amounted to lots of bags under eyes.

The latest swathe of "useful advice" came about at a family occasion yesterday where a couple of non-relations who odd not get to see N much we're commenting on how content a baby he is. When chatting about how a happy child N is, someone felt the need to add "....but he doesn't sleep Mary..." to which a knowing nod came about. Then came the whole "have you done controlled crying?"

OF COURSE WE BLOODY HAVE!!!

I know you mean well, but sometimes that cry needs picked up or given some calpol (ahem). When I do need advice we will ask for it. And no, we will not have a second kid just because the first doesn't sleep...

I know my child and what he wants and how to get him back into his routine. I know he will be able to sleep sometime and if that's the only downside to being a mum is the lack of sleep, then I can handle it. Thanks so much (translation: bog off).

#happyfathersday

Dear Nic,

As it is Father's Day, I wanted to write you something to show everyone in the (social) world just how amazing a father your are.

While it may seem like N has been a part of our family forever (though it is not even nine months yet), he has changed both of us for the absolute better. From the daily smiles as we pick him up from his cot in the morning, through to the shit-nado's he is capable of doing in his car seat at the most unfortunate moment, I know he has brought you so much love and joy.

But just has he has brought you this, you have also done the same for him. From shushing him to slumber as a week old baby singing "twinkle twinkle", to dancing around the kitchen humming the 'homes under the hammer' theme tune; I know that our son is in complete wonder of you each and every day - especially as he squints his face and waves his arms and legs every evening as you arrive home. I know that his love for you is as much as yours for him.

So, as our not so little man grows into a big boy, I want to say thank-you for being the #bestdadever (yes, I just hash tagged the blog).

Love you.

K

Remembering the early days...

Two of my amazing friends have just popped out the most gorgeous bubbas. Both are settling into becoming mummy's (and will be absolutely amazing) and getting to know these new cherubs that suck away our sleep but also give so much love.

We are in a completely different phase of bubba land - crawling. N has been getting ready for about a month now (starting backwards, then developing his sky-diver pose), but we are now MOVING FORWARDS - and quickly too! He loves banging things on the wooden floor, trying to bash himself in the eye with the TV unit and giving kisses to his dad and I (he just needs to master not giving tongue at the same time).

But no matter how exciting it is just now, I miss the days when N would curl up into my chest and snuggle for an age. I now still get lovely cuddles, but it also involves a headbut or three along with a kick in the crotch so he can find that perfect position.

But 7 1/2 months on, I am so happy we are here. I love seeing him develop (even if it seems at record pace). He is the most happy little munchkin and is adored by every old lady at the bus stop going.

Anyway, must dash - he has just woken from a nap and we are off to see Zia Cristina today. xoxo

MEternity vs MAternity

If you have not seen This Morning recently, you will have missed the delightful lady who came on to argue that single ladies should qualify for MEternity time. What would it involve? Well, as we all do on MAternity, it's all about going to the gym, long lies, coffee in Starbucks for several hours and generally having some ME time. 

I will be the first to argue that before I had N, I underestimated how challenging being a mum would be (a case of rose tinted glasses). I completely underestimated how tired I would be, how frustrating it would be not to be able to get the baby to sleep when I needed him to would be or just how much work is needed to be done around the house in between those two things. 

While I am not in an office, I am definitely working. Bloody hard and all the time. It is my time to change 90%f the nappies, wash two loads (and iron it) of clothes each day, plan meals not only for the adults but also now N. On paper, looks like a piece of piss - in reality, but 3pm when you have a baby screaming through tiredness, cutting teeth, hunger or for no reason at all it can be REALLY FUCKING HARD - especially when the statutory pay ends. **Cue baby crying after a 26 minute nap**

.......

**46 mins later after a feed, bum change, bounce and wiggle into the Jumperoo**

Please don't get me wrong - I am adoring my time with an and wouldn't ever change it for the world. But to see a silly lady preach that single ladies should be entitled to a similar amount of leave just for being single. Clearly she did what she did to drum up a bit of attention, but If  you fancy a bit of time off, love, book a holiday. 

"Hello, my name is..."

Babies are brilliant, aren't they? Obviously, they change your world/make life worthwhile blah, blah, blah. But they also create a brilliant ice breaker when meeting new mums.

We went to a new baby/toddler group today and I have to say, even though I needed to psyche myself up to have the guts to walk through the door, once I was there it was N who helped in meeting the other mums. 

Prior to having a baby or any work networking settings, I was rubbish in talking to new people. While I am pretty social and pretty awesome once you know me, please never make me go somewhere on my own - I am much happier with my own people.  

But not I literally have my own person who I can use as a buffer. 

Just another plus to being a mum ;)

Sleep training update

We are now 11 days into sleep training and I think we are finally getting somewhere. It's not been without many, many tears (N's and mine).

I think I mentioned, but we started with Pick up, Put down and closing the boob bar. Well, whilst the latter definitely worked; PUPD was a dud.

So four nights ago we decided to play hardball and change up the strategy. We have followed the Ferber method and so far, so good.

Night one was an absolute bastard with 46 mins (yes, I counted) of crying. Night two got us down to 14 mins and night three, we'll he settled himself!!! Yes!!

Having spoken to another friend who tried this with her bubba, I think the babies just need to be ready themselves to self settle. What's more, we have gone from up to FIVE feeds a night to just ONE around 5am and even then I'm starting to think we could erase that completely (though, I am still a mum and don't want to deprive my baby).

What's more, we are then not waking until after 7am - absolute bliss I tell ya!

The true test will now be once the hubby returns to work tomorrow, how N copes with more noice around the house in the morning. As ever, wish us luck!!

Sleep training (or lack thereof)

We are currently six days into sleep training during the Easter holidays.

Whilst holidays used to be full of long lies and afternoon naps pre-baby, we are trying to figure out how to get the boy to sleep longer at night.

Before we set off, the hubby and I did our research and spoke to friends to find out what they did. After a chat on what we would and would not be comfortable with (cry it out didn't make the cut), we decided to close the Boob Bar between midnight-5am (previously on 24/7 service) and try the Pick up, Put down option.

Before I get into the details we probably didn't pick the exact right week to do this as we were going away on our first holiday as a threesome and we're taking a different buggy (which was previously the only place N would nap during the day) but try we must.

Long story short, we have managed to cut down on feeds for five to just two, but the screaming matches have been blood curdling - to the point N has been close to losing his voice. We (I) also had to give in on a couple occasions as the Boob was the only way to calm the beast.

So this brings us to today and we have decided that whilst we might not be feeding five times a night, N is still waking the same amount so we need a brand new strategy.

From tonight, the bar will still be closed, but will be trying the Ferber method which seems to be a nice balance of CIO and PUPD. After trying it for this mornings nap, N settled after just 15 mins.

Please, please wish us luck. Needless to say I will be topping myself up on wine before the night begins....

Sorry for the break

It's been a while since I last posted - my bad!

However in my defence, the iPad had run out of charge and to be quite honest, I'm exhausted. You see, N has decided that the four month sleep regression wasn't enough and so he has created a six month version too. We are currently woken four to five times a night. Not great really.

N is pretty good at going down for a sleep during the day (as long as it's in his buggy) and is also good at going to sleep at night.  However our big problem is then waking during the night.

I don't think I've helped my keeping the boob kitchen open 24/7, and I'm not expecting him to sleep through, I just can't cope with being woken so many times a night.

So this Easter, it's all about sleep training with us. If anyone has any tips on how best to do this please do share!

A piece of me

Yesterday, I managed to catch up for some lunch with some work friends. Although it took a while to set up and was brief as we all had other places to be afterwards, it was good to hear about things other than 'baby'.

I could reminisce about a different area of my life (one that seems to have passed me long ago since N arrived five months ago), how it was in the real world and all the gossip I have missed from their lives.

As I was asked "so, what do you do now.", I told tales of baby sign, massage, swimming with N and trips to the park. Whilst not near as hectic as running teams and accounts as well as keeping up with the usual office politics, it gave me that little taste of what life will be like once I return to work.

It also reminded me that whilst my current "job" is to raise my son, I do also need to remember that is not solely who I am and I also need to take time for me once in a while. Whether that be going for a run, leaving baby with his Dad whilst I have an uninterrupted shower or even a Starbucks if I am lucky; it's important to take the time for myself so I can be Kirsten and not just N's Mummy.

Give me food!

We are almost ready to start weaning. I say this though with some trepidation as I am being completely bamboozled by the absolutely conflicting advice on when N should start on solids.

The World Health Organisation has said that babies should be weaned no earlier than six months, but now the UK govt is advising that babies run the risk of developing vitamin deficiencies if they are not weaned before six months. As parents, how the hell are we supposed to know what is the right path to follow???

N is now five months old and is showing signs of being ready to eat - can hold his head unsupported, is watching us like a hawk when we eat or drink, seems a little less satisfied following a feed (but that could also be the fact that he is distracted very easily so feeds can be shorter) - so I know we are almost there.

The answer to this one I think will come down to that parental gut instinct. You know, the one that says you probably shouldn't dangle him out of a window by his ankle or that 35 minutes is too long to leave him to 'cry it out'. However, the voice inside me is saying "take it slow". The poor guy has been treated like a gastric band patient on only fluids for the last five months, we don't want to pop the band completely by stuffing him with too much baby porridge.

Either way, I'm pretty sure the both he, myself and the hubby will soon be covered in some kind of sweet potato concoction and be finding traces of broccoli stems stuffed into the high chair pretty soon. Hilarious stories to follow.

Baby work = dirty work

When I became a mum, I knew full well that it was not going to be roses and clean clothes. I was prepared or so I thought. Oh, how wrong I could be.

Here is a list of the top five places sick or poo have gotten in the last 21 weeks...

5) In my hair (sick): it really is part of the course when feeding and burping a baby. Gross none the less

4) On my fingers (poo): again, no surprises how it got there, but important to check before wiping yours or your baby'so head

3) Down my cleavage (sick): it just happens and then gathers like a warm milky pool in the bra. Delightful

2) Under my pinky nail (poo): vile, just vile and requires some additional cleaning

And number one of the current most awful places for poo and sick to be is (drumroll please.....)

1) In my crotch (sick): this follows on from cleavage sick, but definitely feels like you have just wet yourself. Just have to hope it doesn't happen in public and on light trousers

Can I afford to work?

It has come to that point where I unfortunately need to start thinking about going to work. That's right - no more Baby Monkey, Rhyme Time or the occasional afternoon nap (like that was a regular thing).

Today, I treated hubby to a trip to visit a local nursery and it's got me feeling sad and stressed. Not only do I need to consider leaving my baby for several days (and long ones at that) each week, but I have to pay through the nose for it too!

Don't get me wrong, I always knew nursery would take up a huge chunk of my salary, but now that it is becoming a reality it begs the question - is it all really worth it? Should I be working just to pay for my child's daycare? And then if I do, and we do eventually get around to considering a second child (I said IF) how the hell can I afford it? Just the one nursery we visited this morning would cost almost £10,000 a year. Bear in mind that if I do go to part time, my salary is also cut by a significant percentage.

The whole thing is bamboozling. No wonder I can never get a seat in Starbucks during the day - the other mums are spending the child benefit on lattes and saving thousands by being at home for their kids.

After spending four years at Uni, I never thought I would be asking myself whether I can AFFORD to work. Not ever. Especially since both the hubby and I have reasonable salaries between us.

I don't have an answer to my dilemma yet, but. this will definitely be a topic I return to in the future. Would certainly welcome any thoughts you have on how you approached this issue and if you found a reasonable solution.