#mummyguilt

I've not written a blog for sometime. Between organising and having N's birthday along with returning to work two days ago there has been one or two things going on. 

This blog is being written at its rawest state. It's 6.54am and I am standing on a drizzly platform with only street lights illuminating the sky and I have just left my son in tears as I said goodbye in the car. He has had this frame of mind since bathtime last night and I feel absolutely shit. 

Shit that i have had to go back to work and be in so early that the family needs to be up at 5.40am four days a week. Shit that we need the money of me going in four days a week so N needs to be in nursery.  Shit that its happens not because any of us were ready, but rather that we had to. 

As a result of all this shit-ness, N has suddenly decided that he is on a boob strike. Or is it that he decided its not his thing anymore? Or could it be cause the sky was grey last night? Or it could be his teeth? Either way, this has resulted in lots of crying (him and me). 

I have been thinking about the boob feeds for a while. I read a blog the other week about a mum who wasn't ready to stop feeding her daughter and I think thats how I feel with N. If we stop now, then everything else has to go back to the normality of before there was a baby. Commute, work, commute, heat tea in the microwave, Eastenders, then bed. 

I knew this was going to be hard - its what all other mums say. But I was organised. I had the lunches made, the bags packed and a wash on before I went to bed. But they didn't tell me how I could emotionally prepare. Can anyone? 

Yes, I know it will get easier. Yes, I know it wil become the new norm for N. But - do I actually want this? Ithink that might be a post for another day. 

Until then, I have managed to get a seat on the 6.57am train and at least its dry in here.... 

Sent from my iPhone

Buh-bye boob

My baby is one next week. One!! How did that happen??

Anyway, with his first birthday comes the time when I must return to work and as such put N into nursery for four days a week. No more sleeping when the baby sleeps, having a tidy house and being able to wear joggers all day.

However, this week we have faced a bit of a fork in the feeding road.

You see, N has had an upset tum and bad bum generally. "It's his teeth!", I hear you cry. Well, yes, it might be. Or it could (as many of you will know with kids) be any other number of things such as the moon not being in Taurus.

Because of this, we cut out the whole milk from his diet I had been using to try to wean him off the boob (or at least day time feeds). But has it made an impact in the last three days? Has it hell.

The helpful health visitors *note sarcasm* have read their baby books aloud to me and advised that N shouldn't be on whole milk before 12 months (yeah, coz a couple of weeks will make a huge difference in his life) *note more sarcasm*. Instead he should be on the great and good formula. But my quandary is - does he really need to be?

Yes, he needs to be on something NOT breast milk by he time I am back at work in x amount of sleeps (this is one countdown I refuse to count), but does it need to be formula?

Apart from being sicky with the whole milk before (when he was up to two feeds a day on it and given he has always been a little pukey) it didn't really bother him. So do I carry on as normal or do I take a chance on something completely new and spend the next two weeks getting him weaned onto that?

I honestly do not have the answer here. My gut is confused for the first time in a year. Google has also proved pretty useless as I already know N can drink from a bottle and I can't find any threads of mums who have breasted for a year and then are returning to work so the kid needs to drink something else.

Before this whole conundrum began I had been planning a blog about how sad I was to be stopping breast feeding, and in many ways I still am. But this has put somewhat of a cloud over the journey coming to a slow halt.

All through the past year, my Taurean stubbornness has made me believe that formula was a failure (which it completely is not - I know this deep down); but even now I feel a hypocrite to bite the bullet and put N onto formula.

What did you lovely lot do?

Whatever I choose (and by I it means my hubby too), the decision needs to be made quickly as it's so important for me that N has time to be weaned properly and not just overnight. Help!

Looking back

Facebook kindly reminded me this morning that it has been exactly a year since I began the wonderful world of maternity leave. 

Apart from having the kid, it has put me in somewhat of a reflective mood. So, what have I actually achieved with 353 days off (its a leap year remember)?

-have eaten cake on 351 out of the 353 days I have been off

-managed to go 10 months without a full nights sleep

-achieved a 97% attendance record at Rhyme Time

-spent only 75% of my life in pj's or joggers

-nailed the disapproving mum look to all workies and tw^ts who decide to park over the entire pavement making any movement around it nigh on impossible

-watched every single episode of homes under the hammer at least once (and teletubbies for that matter)

-discovered that B&M sell cheap wine (you're welcome) 

-had my card declined buying said cheap wine in B&M 

-appeared to hold it together in public but secretly lose my shit when the kid finds discipline hilarious

-spent my entire mat pay on nappies and starbucks

-taken an overtired child on a flight on my own

-reached level 172 of candy crush

But obviously, I am not perfect and there are some things I haven't done

-learnt fluent italian

-killed or maimed the child

-been able to walk past the doughnut counter in sainsburys without picking up at least two packet of what is essentially mat leave crack

-missed work #sorrynotsorry

-put up the blackout blind in the child's room (11 months later...)

-achieved rock hard abs by following the breastfeeding diet (see cake eating achievement) 

However, I still have a few weeks to achieve all this and more....or there is always next time around (!).

Sent from my iPhone

"Advice"

This will not the first and certainly not the last blog post about the unsolicited advice which I seem to be getting. Mostly it is all about N's sleep and it seems to be coming from those of let's say, an older generation.

N has not been sleeping all that well since we took a trip to Edinburgh. Between a change to his routine and a mix of separation anxiety, it has amounted to lots of bags under eyes.

The latest swathe of "useful advice" came about at a family occasion yesterday where a couple of non-relations who odd not get to see N much we're commenting on how content a baby he is. When chatting about how a happy child N is, someone felt the need to add "....but he doesn't sleep Mary..." to which a knowing nod came about. Then came the whole "have you done controlled crying?"

OF COURSE WE BLOODY HAVE!!!

I know you mean well, but sometimes that cry needs picked up or given some calpol (ahem). When I do need advice we will ask for it. And no, we will not have a second kid just because the first doesn't sleep...

I know my child and what he wants and how to get him back into his routine. I know he will be able to sleep sometime and if that's the only downside to being a mum is the lack of sleep, then I can handle it. Thanks so much (translation: bog off).

#happyfathersday

Dear Nic,

As it is Father's Day, I wanted to write you something to show everyone in the (social) world just how amazing a father your are.

While it may seem like N has been a part of our family forever (though it is not even nine months yet), he has changed both of us for the absolute better. From the daily smiles as we pick him up from his cot in the morning, through to the shit-nado's he is capable of doing in his car seat at the most unfortunate moment, I know he has brought you so much love and joy.

But just has he has brought you this, you have also done the same for him. From shushing him to slumber as a week old baby singing "twinkle twinkle", to dancing around the kitchen humming the 'homes under the hammer' theme tune; I know that our son is in complete wonder of you each and every day - especially as he squints his face and waves his arms and legs every evening as you arrive home. I know that his love for you is as much as yours for him.

So, as our not so little man grows into a big boy, I want to say thank-you for being the #bestdadever (yes, I just hash tagged the blog).

Love you.

K

Remembering the early days...

Two of my amazing friends have just popped out the most gorgeous bubbas. Both are settling into becoming mummy's (and will be absolutely amazing) and getting to know these new cherubs that suck away our sleep but also give so much love.

We are in a completely different phase of bubba land - crawling. N has been getting ready for about a month now (starting backwards, then developing his sky-diver pose), but we are now MOVING FORWARDS - and quickly too! He loves banging things on the wooden floor, trying to bash himself in the eye with the TV unit and giving kisses to his dad and I (he just needs to master not giving tongue at the same time).

But no matter how exciting it is just now, I miss the days when N would curl up into my chest and snuggle for an age. I now still get lovely cuddles, but it also involves a headbut or three along with a kick in the crotch so he can find that perfect position.

But 7 1/2 months on, I am so happy we are here. I love seeing him develop (even if it seems at record pace). He is the most happy little munchkin and is adored by every old lady at the bus stop going.

Anyway, must dash - he has just woken from a nap and we are off to see Zia Cristina today. xoxo

MEternity vs MAternity

If you have not seen This Morning recently, you will have missed the delightful lady who came on to argue that single ladies should qualify for MEternity time. What would it involve? Well, as we all do on MAternity, it's all about going to the gym, long lies, coffee in Starbucks for several hours and generally having some ME time. 

I will be the first to argue that before I had N, I underestimated how challenging being a mum would be (a case of rose tinted glasses). I completely underestimated how tired I would be, how frustrating it would be not to be able to get the baby to sleep when I needed him to would be or just how much work is needed to be done around the house in between those two things. 

While I am not in an office, I am definitely working. Bloody hard and all the time. It is my time to change 90%f the nappies, wash two loads (and iron it) of clothes each day, plan meals not only for the adults but also now N. On paper, looks like a piece of piss - in reality, but 3pm when you have a baby screaming through tiredness, cutting teeth, hunger or for no reason at all it can be REALLY FUCKING HARD - especially when the statutory pay ends. **Cue baby crying after a 26 minute nap**

.......

**46 mins later after a feed, bum change, bounce and wiggle into the Jumperoo**

Please don't get me wrong - I am adoring my time with an and wouldn't ever change it for the world. But to see a silly lady preach that single ladies should be entitled to a similar amount of leave just for being single. Clearly she did what she did to drum up a bit of attention, but If  you fancy a bit of time off, love, book a holiday. 

"Hello, my name is..."

Babies are brilliant, aren't they? Obviously, they change your world/make life worthwhile blah, blah, blah. But they also create a brilliant ice breaker when meeting new mums.

We went to a new baby/toddler group today and I have to say, even though I needed to psyche myself up to have the guts to walk through the door, once I was there it was N who helped in meeting the other mums. 

Prior to having a baby or any work networking settings, I was rubbish in talking to new people. While I am pretty social and pretty awesome once you know me, please never make me go somewhere on my own - I am much happier with my own people.  

But not I literally have my own person who I can use as a buffer. 

Just another plus to being a mum ;)

Sleep training update

We are now 11 days into sleep training and I think we are finally getting somewhere. It's not been without many, many tears (N's and mine).

I think I mentioned, but we started with Pick up, Put down and closing the boob bar. Well, whilst the latter definitely worked; PUPD was a dud.

So four nights ago we decided to play hardball and change up the strategy. We have followed the Ferber method and so far, so good.

Night one was an absolute bastard with 46 mins (yes, I counted) of crying. Night two got us down to 14 mins and night three, we'll he settled himself!!! Yes!!

Having spoken to another friend who tried this with her bubba, I think the babies just need to be ready themselves to self settle. What's more, we have gone from up to FIVE feeds a night to just ONE around 5am and even then I'm starting to think we could erase that completely (though, I am still a mum and don't want to deprive my baby).

What's more, we are then not waking until after 7am - absolute bliss I tell ya!

The true test will now be once the hubby returns to work tomorrow, how N copes with more noice around the house in the morning. As ever, wish us luck!!

Sleep training (or lack thereof)

We are currently six days into sleep training during the Easter holidays.

Whilst holidays used to be full of long lies and afternoon naps pre-baby, we are trying to figure out how to get the boy to sleep longer at night.

Before we set off, the hubby and I did our research and spoke to friends to find out what they did. After a chat on what we would and would not be comfortable with (cry it out didn't make the cut), we decided to close the Boob Bar between midnight-5am (previously on 24/7 service) and try the Pick up, Put down option.

Before I get into the details we probably didn't pick the exact right week to do this as we were going away on our first holiday as a threesome and we're taking a different buggy (which was previously the only place N would nap during the day) but try we must.

Long story short, we have managed to cut down on feeds for five to just two, but the screaming matches have been blood curdling - to the point N has been close to losing his voice. We (I) also had to give in on a couple occasions as the Boob was the only way to calm the beast.

So this brings us to today and we have decided that whilst we might not be feeding five times a night, N is still waking the same amount so we need a brand new strategy.

From tonight, the bar will still be closed, but will be trying the Ferber method which seems to be a nice balance of CIO and PUPD. After trying it for this mornings nap, N settled after just 15 mins.

Please, please wish us luck. Needless to say I will be topping myself up on wine before the night begins....

Sorry for the break

It's been a while since I last posted - my bad!

However in my defence, the iPad had run out of charge and to be quite honest, I'm exhausted. You see, N has decided that the four month sleep regression wasn't enough and so he has created a six month version too. We are currently woken four to five times a night. Not great really.

N is pretty good at going down for a sleep during the day (as long as it's in his buggy) and is also good at going to sleep at night.  However our big problem is then waking during the night.

I don't think I've helped my keeping the boob kitchen open 24/7, and I'm not expecting him to sleep through, I just can't cope with being woken so many times a night.

So this Easter, it's all about sleep training with us. If anyone has any tips on how best to do this please do share!

A piece of me

Yesterday, I managed to catch up for some lunch with some work friends. Although it took a while to set up and was brief as we all had other places to be afterwards, it was good to hear about things other than 'baby'.

I could reminisce about a different area of my life (one that seems to have passed me long ago since N arrived five months ago), how it was in the real world and all the gossip I have missed from their lives.

As I was asked "so, what do you do now.", I told tales of baby sign, massage, swimming with N and trips to the park. Whilst not near as hectic as running teams and accounts as well as keeping up with the usual office politics, it gave me that little taste of what life will be like once I return to work.

It also reminded me that whilst my current "job" is to raise my son, I do also need to remember that is not solely who I am and I also need to take time for me once in a while. Whether that be going for a run, leaving baby with his Dad whilst I have an uninterrupted shower or even a Starbucks if I am lucky; it's important to take the time for myself so I can be Kirsten and not just N's Mummy.

Give me food!

We are almost ready to start weaning. I say this though with some trepidation as I am being completely bamboozled by the absolutely conflicting advice on when N should start on solids.

The World Health Organisation has said that babies should be weaned no earlier than six months, but now the UK govt is advising that babies run the risk of developing vitamin deficiencies if they are not weaned before six months. As parents, how the hell are we supposed to know what is the right path to follow???

N is now five months old and is showing signs of being ready to eat - can hold his head unsupported, is watching us like a hawk when we eat or drink, seems a little less satisfied following a feed (but that could also be the fact that he is distracted very easily so feeds can be shorter) - so I know we are almost there.

The answer to this one I think will come down to that parental gut instinct. You know, the one that says you probably shouldn't dangle him out of a window by his ankle or that 35 minutes is too long to leave him to 'cry it out'. However, the voice inside me is saying "take it slow". The poor guy has been treated like a gastric band patient on only fluids for the last five months, we don't want to pop the band completely by stuffing him with too much baby porridge.

Either way, I'm pretty sure the both he, myself and the hubby will soon be covered in some kind of sweet potato concoction and be finding traces of broccoli stems stuffed into the high chair pretty soon. Hilarious stories to follow.

Baby work = dirty work

When I became a mum, I knew full well that it was not going to be roses and clean clothes. I was prepared or so I thought. Oh, how wrong I could be.

Here is a list of the top five places sick or poo have gotten in the last 21 weeks...

5) In my hair (sick): it really is part of the course when feeding and burping a baby. Gross none the less

4) On my fingers (poo): again, no surprises how it got there, but important to check before wiping yours or your baby'so head

3) Down my cleavage (sick): it just happens and then gathers like a warm milky pool in the bra. Delightful

2) Under my pinky nail (poo): vile, just vile and requires some additional cleaning

And number one of the current most awful places for poo and sick to be is (drumroll please.....)

1) In my crotch (sick): this follows on from cleavage sick, but definitely feels like you have just wet yourself. Just have to hope it doesn't happen in public and on light trousers

Can I afford to work?

It has come to that point where I unfortunately need to start thinking about going to work. That's right - no more Baby Monkey, Rhyme Time or the occasional afternoon nap (like that was a regular thing).

Today, I treated hubby to a trip to visit a local nursery and it's got me feeling sad and stressed. Not only do I need to consider leaving my baby for several days (and long ones at that) each week, but I have to pay through the nose for it too!

Don't get me wrong, I always knew nursery would take up a huge chunk of my salary, but now that it is becoming a reality it begs the question - is it all really worth it? Should I be working just to pay for my child's daycare? And then if I do, and we do eventually get around to considering a second child (I said IF) how the hell can I afford it? Just the one nursery we visited this morning would cost almost £10,000 a year. Bear in mind that if I do go to part time, my salary is also cut by a significant percentage.

The whole thing is bamboozling. No wonder I can never get a seat in Starbucks during the day - the other mums are spending the child benefit on lattes and saving thousands by being at home for their kids.

After spending four years at Uni, I never thought I would be asking myself whether I can AFFORD to work. Not ever. Especially since both the hubby and I have reasonable salaries between us.

I don't have an answer to my dilemma yet, but. this will definitely be a topic I return to in the future. Would certainly welcome any thoughts you have on how you approached this issue and if you found a reasonable solution.

Tricks of the baby trade

Two of my gorgeous friends are currently pregnant and are due in April and May respectively. This is the first baby for both of them and they are as excited and nervous as I was.

Thinking about it, I wanted to share some pearls of bubba wisdom in preparation for the bundles of joy arriving and once they arrive.

1. Nap. You will never fully nap again. So take that two hour Tuesday afternoon nap once mat leave starts and do not feel bad about it. While you won't be storing up those zzz's to help you once the baby arrives, you will feel a lot more relaxed in the run up to the main event

2. Freeze. No, I don't mean for you to freeze, but freeze a hell of a meals and soups which you can just heat up in the weeks after baby arrives. Given the amount of cake and biscuits which will keep you going during the day, guaranteed you need something with a bit of goodness to keep you going through the night.

3. Marathon. A box set marathon, that is. Break out the DVD's or Netflix. Not only is it good for relaxation, but it will allow you to get caught up on all the tv before baby arrives and screams through every episode of Scandal. The only exception to this rule is when you are feeding during the night or the dreaded 4am wake up.

Once baby arrives, it is possible to function at almost full capacity despite the lack of sleep

4. Clean. Don't listen to all those people who say you will never shower or have breakfast again. It is possible.  Sure, the baby comes first in terms of feeding, changing, feeding again and changing again. However, I have had a shower every single day since N arrived. I just take a bouncer chair and toy into the bathroom with me and voila - I am in the shower.

5. Bottles. Before baby arrived I read that babies should never have a bottle before 6 weeks. Really? Having asked our health visitor at my 10 day check during a time when I was struggling to breast feed (was very tiring and painful), she let me know that there was no problem to start bottle feeding immediately. We have never looked back. Not only does it allow hubby to feed N during the night, allow me to go out to places where it is difficult to find a space to get my boob out; but it also allowed me to have a night out or an extra glass of wine. Bliss.

Now all of this can be taken with as much salt as you want, but certainly these are things which have helped me maintain some sanity - as much as is possibly possible. X

Dear Baby, Please don't grow up too quickly

The last four months have seemed like the fastest but yet the longest of my life. It feels like N has been a part of the family forever and has made us complete. He has come on in so many ways - sitting up, starting to roll over, giving us a cheeky giggle - but I'm ready for him to stop now.

While I want N to grow up into a handsome, kind, generous boy, I think we can wait a little while longer for him to get to that point. I don't want to race through the milestones too quickly.

Having spoken to a mum of two earlier this week, she said that she couldn't wait for her first born to "do stuff" but she is begging her youngest to stop and take his time so she can really enjoy it.

Of course I want for N to be advanced and grow up, but if it can all be put on a slow speed or if we can just pause and get to enjoy his achievements one day at a time.

Early to bed, early to rise

Sleep has become one of the most precious past-times of my life since N came about. If you are a regular reader, you will already know that sleeping through a night is not something which has come into our lives yet (still hopeful). As a result when I go to bed has become a bit child like.

N is in bed and asleep no later than 7.30pm. This is a blessing as he is incredibly good at going to sleep at night - better than settling for a nap during the day even. It's also nice to have a little time just me and the hubby - but it never lasts for long. Why? Because I am clock watching from 8pm to see when it is acceptable for me to go to bed in comparison to my four month old (bear in mind that I am a 30 year old woman).

Typically I am in bed by 8.30pm and I'm not ashamed to write it on this blog. Sleeping when the baby sleeps is rubbish and usually by the time I have realised I should sleep, the wee man is starting to stir. I also have a house to tidy and catch up TV to watch. And so, if I make it to 9pm on an evening before going to bed I count that as a win.

However, if I am in bed at 8.30pm, that is also pretty awesome.

On that note - night night.

A change will do you good

It's come to that point in my mat leave where I have been sitting in the house for five whole months. I'm pretty much down with raising a kid - until the next challenge is thrown into my path and so am thinking of what to do in the meantime.

Decorate.

Yes, the same old walls are getting boring to stare at and I need a new perspective. This led us to Ikea. On a Sunday. With a baby in tow. Have you ever had to queue six buggy deep to get on the lift? No, it was a new experience for me too.

The only problem is that I am trying to decorate every room at once and only buy one or two items. While I desperately need to decorate the hall, it's the spare room I have selected as my first project of choice - after all, we are going to be visitor-tactic in the next few weeks so it's only natural that the family should have somewhere nice to stay.

Here's hoping I stay focused on this room and get the job done whilst trying not to cover N with paint splatters. If he does get splattered, at least he can't answer back or clipe me in to his Dad......

Being different

Before N was born, the hubby and I attended NCT classes. Whilst most things went straight in one ear and out the other, there was one thing which the course leader said that stuck with me.

"Dad's will do nothing wrong with the baby - they will just do it differently".

This one line has really stuck with me since the classes last August and especially once N was born. My husband is the most wonderful Dad I could have asked for for my son. They giggle, make mischief and are the best boys in my life.

Yes, sometimes there are things that he and I may do differently but that certainly does not mean that we are wrong in what we do. Not in the slightest.

Having two parents with different approaches will truly benefit N and make him a much stronger and rounded individual. What a lucky boy.

Percentile pressure

Yesterday was not a good day. N cried for the majority of it (followed by the same that night -the joys of teething). But that wasn't the worst of it.

We got N weighed. The good news was that he had put on weight. The bad news was that he has almost dropped a percentile making me feel like a complete failure as a breast feeding mum.

When I asked the HV about it she said that it was only bad if N has dropped two percentiles but that minuscule drop in the dot on ten line made me feel as small as the dot itself. I was met with "he'll be on solids in a couple of months".

Having obsessed over Google in the afternoon, I know that the wee guy is completely fine and that for breast fed babies it is completely normal to move around the percentiles. Yet I still want to get top marks for helping my baby to grow as he should be (or at least how the magic red book tells me).

Needless to say its double portions for N for the next two weeks. Nom nom.

Holiday! Celebrate?

This weekend has been a productive one. We have booked not one but two holidays.

However what I have come to realise is that what was once a chance to relax and kick back with a cool beer by the pool will soon become a logistical and organisational nightmare!

I'm sure for any fellow mum currently reading this you are thinking "poor cow, doesn't know what she has got herself into" and you may be right. Thinking about what we can take with limited space in cases or cars is enough, but then I also need to remember that I will be taking a child who will just be moving onto solids for the first holiday and then will hopefully be eating anything and everything for the second. But then we will also need to figure out what we will do to keep N entertained whilst on said holidays.

I have been reliably informed that it is 203 days until our second holiday which gives me plenty time to plan, procrastinate and if that fails down several bottles of wine (over many weeks give I will still be breast feeding) in preparation.

Oh god, why didn't I just decide to stay at home for the rest of my life?!?!?!???

Why I love being a mum

I was recently asked just why I loved being a mum so much. I have to admit, the question caught me a little off-guard as I had never been asked it before.

I think the biggest thing is the unconditional love that both N and I have for each other. No matter what time of day I go through to see him in his cot, I am met by the biggest gummy smile in the world - that is, unless he is hangry.

Here are a few other reasons I adore being N's mum:
- seeing N grow week on week. I have to pinch myself to remember "I did that"
- being able to share my days (and nights) with this special wee man and sharing his achievements
- being able to make the boy smile by just being there
- knowing that me and my hubby created the most beautiful boy in the world
- seeing N enjoy his bath, his walks, singing and loving his family
- hear him chat to himself and be perfectly happy playing with his fingers - even if it is at 5am
- seeing him smile at his daddy when he comes home

There are however some things I don't love so much:
- interrupted sleep
- not knowing when I will be sicked up on next and which outfit will smell like off milk for the rest of the day
- his sad face. You know the one where the bottom lip turns upside down
- seeing him grow so quickly. Make it stop!

But not matter the day we have had, all the brilliant things that such a wee man brings really do make mine and the hubby's lives.

Support (and not the underwired kind)

Before I had N (and even when I was pregnant), I knew that having a baby would be great for myself and the hubby in expanding or even creating a local friendship circle. 

We decided to sign up to an NCT class and it was the best decision we ever made. Not only did we learn a thing or two about babies, but we have an instant support circle. WhatsApp groups, meeting for coffees and signing up to classes together; I am pretty sure we are keeping Brentwood in business! But its also meant that I have an instant support network at my fingertips - no matter the time - for encouragement and just to check that our babies are not doing anything out if the ordinary. 

Early on, however, when I was learning the baby ropes, things were emotional. I will be eternally grateful for my NCT girls, but there are always some thing's you don't want to share about yourself and weaknesses to reveal. 

Back to when I was pregnant there was an advert on TV for formula which ended with a cheesy "you're doing great" tag. It always felt so patronising and cheesy to consider. How wrong was I?

Even now on the worst of days when the house is a mess, we've had a poonado and the baby will not stop crying to sleep; every mum needs encouragement - no matter how big or small. For me, an all enveloping hug from my hubby or a kind smile from mum to tell me that I'm doing good with the baby means the absolute world. 

And if you don't have that person in your life to tell you how awesome you are, then let me be that person. You are fucking amazing. End of. x

Respect to working mums

Man, Monday morning was stressful this week. Much more stressful than it needed to be.

I was invited to attend a breakfast with my work team in London at 8.30am. Yes, you read right.

Childcare was set up. Bags were packed (mine and N's) the night before. Milk was defrosted in the freezer. However I forgot how long it takes to not only get me out of the door but also a baby - who needed to be woken, fed, changed and dressed.

I had allowed myself 50 minutes given I didn't need to wash my hair (god bless dry shampoo). Not enough time. At all.

Clearly as and when the time comes for me to go back to work, I need to be 1000% more organised.

Respect to all the working mummas out there who made it out the door in time today. To get over the stress, I had to relax by spending far to much in Selfridges right after breakfast. Tough life.

Two is the magic number. Or is it?

Not sure about you (for any fellow mums), but literally as I was rolled out of the operating theatre I was told I would be able to give birth normally next time (an infuriating statement I might come back to in a later post). Next time?

NEXT TIME?

There is a massive presumption if ever there was one - and this was just from the medical staff.

Fast forward several weeks and the question of number two has been coming up more recently. I know it is asking in kindness or simply because we have run out of conversation, but it is the one question which really winds me up. I literally just had a baby; why would I want to stress myself out with getting pregnant again so soon or even contemplating it? I find that playing the "it fucking hurt" card plays well when talking to men (particularly relatives), but women should really know better.

What if I don't want another baby? Even if I do (and obviously this includes the hubby too), it's an extremely personal question and one I will surprise you with when I am back up the duff.

Let's just say that should you read this post and then ask me the question, be prepared for an equally personal question to come back at you. Started the menopause or how are things 'down below'?

Anyone else faced this and if so, how did you respond?

#resolutionfail

I started the day with the best intentions. Nope, sorry, that's a complete and utter lie.

I'm a lazy mum. I take N out to classes, rhyme time, we go on walks and generally have fun. But when we are at home and when he is a little fussy, I put the TV on.

It might be Mad Men or Homes Under the Hammer. It calms him and me. N loves noise. The louder the better and so the TV gives us that.

As the 2016 bells chimed, the TV was going to go off. Then it was just going to go off in the afternoon. Then the witching hour called and the TV stayed on. I promise it was supposed to be ok. But then he cried and I gave in.

Maybe next week. We'll see ;)

I JUST WANT A FULL NIGHTS SLEEP!

I'm not sure about you, but the topic of "is your baby sleeping through?" is one that regularly comes up amongst my mum friends. N is not sleeping through. Never has. But he is getting a lot better at it.

I am breast feeding exclusively and as such such life is all on demand for our wee dude. Now I know that this also means that there is less chance that he will sleep through but I always feel the pressure to get him to sleep through.

He almost did it. Once. Right after his second set of injections. He slept from 7.30pm - 4.30am. But it was all just a trick and the next night he was up again. I know I could have a lot worse to deal with, but I JUST WANT A FULL NIGHTS SLEEP!

Maybe tonight...

A bit about me

As you may have guessed from the title of this blog, I am a mum of one. A beautiful wee man called N. Now I am a little late to the game in getting this blog started as he is now three months old (14 weeks and one day to be exact), but that's barely surprising given how my life has been turned upside down and inside out BUT I would not have it any other way.

A little but about N. He was born via an emergency c-section as he was breech, but was perfectly healthy (phew). However it has meant that I was slow on the "getting my life back " ( if that,a possible) as I learnt to get to know my baby and look after my body.

I want to use this space to share, vent and learn. I hope there may be some readers to this blog, but if I end up talking to myself that will be nothing new - I regularly talk to myself whilst out on a walk and the baby is asleep.

Hope that you enjoy reading and please do feel free to post advice and share your own experiences.

Ok. Here goes...