Right for me, right now

I tend to start every blog with an apology. Usually that I haven’t written in a while. So here it is. 

Since we last spoke, proud to say I am now the happy owner of a bubbly baby girl.  She is a dream and the complete opposite (but at the same time remarkably similar) to her brother. As I write, she is 1 day off being 10 weeks old. 

I’ll perhaps write another time about her entry into this world; but now I have two kiddos, I find myself becoming even more all consumed with their wellbeing. So much so that something major has happened from the first time around - rather than being 100% breastfed, I have taken the decision to combihnation feed M (her identity on this blog). 

Why? Because this time around I am faced with a different pressure. Not that formula is wrong and breastfed babies are essentially the Kobe cows of the world, but more that I am finding that I am losing myself and I need for that not to happen. Fed is 100% best here. 

So again, why am I telling you this? We are in a completely different world since I last breastfed. Post Brexit referendum. Post Trump becoming president. Post me discovering Cambozola cheese. But not just that. As I have come into motherhood for the second time, I am in a completely different headspace. Far more self assured in how I parent, yes more confident but with even less time for me (to the point I am sinking under all thi pressure). And its that last point that is vital for me here. I have less time for me. 

As I am now on maternity leave, my job is in the home. Yes, my life is back in the 50’s where my role Is to ‘Rear and raise’ the children as I balance making dinners whilst having a boob out feeding M at the same time. Making sure the house is clean enough so that when the time health visitor comes around she doesn’t think I live in a sty as well as justify to the husband who works all week that I can “manage”. My job is looking after other people and things. 

But if you also know me, you’ll be fully aware that I am an independent, tenacious (learnt that word from a 5th year school report) and strong willed mother fucker who does not want to fail. There is no room for failure. And a lot of the above expectations are built by myself and not anyone else. However, despite this - there is no room for failure (did I say that?).

This week, we were faced with a poorly N which resulted in him being off nursery for 3 days. 3 of my precious 4 I pay for for him to be fed and entertained for 10 hours a day. This threw me into a tailspin of losing even more me time to juggle two kids - one with a leaking perforated ear drum and one who can’t hold her head up. Long story short; it was the fastest long week of my life. I was exhausted. With the husband set to work Saturday too, I knew something had to give and that was what made it almost easy and guilt free to say that I needed help. This help would come in the form of Aptamil. One less pressure for me not to have to be around 24/7. One less feed to have to remember every 3 hrs and a little light at the tunnel that I will eventually get that me time (which could potentially fall during the day - shock horror). 

While I’m not willing to close the boob store, it might work part time. As I write this, I am also vaguely aware that I may completely change my mind and the guilt I fed with N might just return. But that’s just how motherhood goes I guess - nothing I do will ever always be the right thing to do. In the meantime however, I need to do the right thing for me right now. 

The countdown is over

So here we are. 39 weeks and approx 7 hours until I am due at the hospital for my elective c-section.

Far from being the relaxing night I had planned by going out for dinner (last in a while), I have spent the last 12 hours being unwell with significant signs of early labour. Even though I didn’t write a birth plan this time around, this was certainly NOT part of the plan.

Given that we opted for an elective, while there was always a chance that things could get started naturally, I didn’t actually believe it. So after having awful cramps and braxton hicks for the last 12 hours, I have never been more ready to get this baby out!!

Surprisingly, I’m not at all phased by the thought of going through major surgery today....I mean it can’t be as bad as having to get shuffled through an emergency section, right? I know what to expect, have got the t-shirt and an ready to go! I should hopefully have more control and know what I’m literally walking into - both from a surgery perspective but also recovery.

Let’s just hope we get to that point.

Until then I have to start fasting in 30 mins and urgently need a bath to ease the agony of my abdomin.

See you on the other side!

Boxset Conundrum

So here we are. 37 weeks pregnant and onto day five of mat leave. Its been pretty uneventful so far but as N is in nursery still for four days a week; today is where it all goes down. Yes, its boxset day! 

But what to watch? I need something to tide me over until the new series of The Crown starts. I need suggestions. Fire them over!! 

Paul or Paula? Help needed

As the weeks countdown, the hubby and I are in a bit of a predicament. You see, as with N, we don’t know the sex of number two. This (along with a number of other factors such as hubby being a teacher and knowing all the “good” and “naughty” children’s names) makes for our decision making skills to get a bit fuzzy.

So, I am calling on all you lovely lot to help. Give us your suggestions. We *think* we have a girls name but boys name is totally up for grabs.

A few criteria however to consider:
1) we need a name that can be shortened to another sensible name like Sebastain/Seb
2) we don’t want out kid to be one of the other four Alfie’s in their class (sorry parents with an Alfie
3) nothing too bananas like Moon or Sunrise
4) can’t be anyone that has pissed me off in recent history

Sound simple? Yeah right!

Over to you....you have about 5 weeks to put names on a postcard.

Here we go again....

So, its just just over a year since my last blog - sorry about that. But in my defence, I have been a little busy.

Not only have I gone back to work, seen N thrive in nursery, but also....WE'RE PREGNANT AGAIN!

Yep. I know that means that the blog name will need to change (we'll figure that out in due course), but it also means that in about 6 weeks time we will have a new kiddo joining the fold.

In all honesty, this has been the longest pregnancy ever as we found out pretty early so I will be pleased to have the kid out in the world and enjoy the good things in life again....brie, pate, a little more wine... you know, the things that make parents function in life.

More to likely come once I am on mat leave (14 working days to go!), but here we are, on the blogging journey again.

Let's do this!

#mummyguilt

I've not written a blog for sometime. Between organising and having N's birthday along with returning to work two days ago there has been one or two things going on. 

This blog is being written at its rawest state. It's 6.54am and I am standing on a drizzly platform with only street lights illuminating the sky and I have just left my son in tears as I said goodbye in the car. He has had this frame of mind since bathtime last night and I feel absolutely shit. 

Shit that i have had to go back to work and be in so early that the family needs to be up at 5.40am four days a week. Shit that we need the money of me going in four days a week so N needs to be in nursery.  Shit that its happens not because any of us were ready, but rather that we had to. 

As a result of all this shit-ness, N has suddenly decided that he is on a boob strike. Or is it that he decided its not his thing anymore? Or could it be cause the sky was grey last night? Or it could be his teeth? Either way, this has resulted in lots of crying (him and me). 

I have been thinking about the boob feeds for a while. I read a blog the other week about a mum who wasn't ready to stop feeding her daughter and I think thats how I feel with N. If we stop now, then everything else has to go back to the normality of before there was a baby. Commute, work, commute, heat tea in the microwave, Eastenders, then bed. 

I knew this was going to be hard - its what all other mums say. But I was organised. I had the lunches made, the bags packed and a wash on before I went to bed. But they didn't tell me how I could emotionally prepare. Can anyone? 

Yes, I know it will get easier. Yes, I know it wil become the new norm for N. But - do I actually want this? Ithink that might be a post for another day. 

Until then, I have managed to get a seat on the 6.57am train and at least its dry in here.... 

Sent from my iPhone

Buh-bye boob

My baby is one next week. One!! How did that happen??

Anyway, with his first birthday comes the time when I must return to work and as such put N into nursery for four days a week. No more sleeping when the baby sleeps, having a tidy house and being able to wear joggers all day.

However, this week we have faced a bit of a fork in the feeding road.

You see, N has had an upset tum and bad bum generally. "It's his teeth!", I hear you cry. Well, yes, it might be. Or it could (as many of you will know with kids) be any other number of things such as the moon not being in Taurus.

Because of this, we cut out the whole milk from his diet I had been using to try to wean him off the boob (or at least day time feeds). But has it made an impact in the last three days? Has it hell.

The helpful health visitors *note sarcasm* have read their baby books aloud to me and advised that N shouldn't be on whole milk before 12 months (yeah, coz a couple of weeks will make a huge difference in his life) *note more sarcasm*. Instead he should be on the great and good formula. But my quandary is - does he really need to be?

Yes, he needs to be on something NOT breast milk by he time I am back at work in x amount of sleeps (this is one countdown I refuse to count), but does it need to be formula?

Apart from being sicky with the whole milk before (when he was up to two feeds a day on it and given he has always been a little pukey) it didn't really bother him. So do I carry on as normal or do I take a chance on something completely new and spend the next two weeks getting him weaned onto that?

I honestly do not have the answer here. My gut is confused for the first time in a year. Google has also proved pretty useless as I already know N can drink from a bottle and I can't find any threads of mums who have breasted for a year and then are returning to work so the kid needs to drink something else.

Before this whole conundrum began I had been planning a blog about how sad I was to be stopping breast feeding, and in many ways I still am. But this has put somewhat of a cloud over the journey coming to a slow halt.

All through the past year, my Taurean stubbornness has made me believe that formula was a failure (which it completely is not - I know this deep down); but even now I feel a hypocrite to bite the bullet and put N onto formula.

What did you lovely lot do?

Whatever I choose (and by I it means my hubby too), the decision needs to be made quickly as it's so important for me that N has time to be weaned properly and not just overnight. Help!